The Deserving (On Expecting Vengeance)

Your favourite enemy is not going to hell
She’s not about to pay for her sins
She shall not wake up one day
and realise the magnitude or impact of the disrespect and belittling she subjected you to
She’s not Saul encountering her reckoning on the road to Damascus
She’s not an eventual victim of karma.

Your most deeply scarring person will be just fine
He’ll spend the rest of his life with an angel incarnate,
before he’s awarded a mansion next to your
3-bedroom in heaven
He’ll get all the things he’s ever wanted plus everything you have ever wanted
Everyone will lift him up over their heads and on to a pedestal
because of all the lovely things he’s done for them
-and he didn’t have to do much
No one will believe you when you say he is nothing but a master at deception,
No one will care what he did to you
even if they agree it happened
instead they will turn on you, call you bitter,
petty, childlike, in need of therapy and Jesus
You will pay in kind
the dues he owes you,
your legacy stained by your demands for justice going awry.

And nothing she deserves will come her way
She’ll remind you, through the innocent look
in her eye when she makes sure to wish you well in public,
that karma is only for those who believe in it
or for those who are foolish enough to take
one chance too many
She’ll sleep soundly at night
while you toss and turn at the unfairness of it all
There will be no chip on her shoulder
while yours grows and gapes and gawks
creating vast divides between you
and all who truly love you
People will rush to her defense
while they tell you to grow up
And there will be nothing you can do to fix that.

Your voice will become inconsequential
And your loneliness will scream louder
You will ache to matter
Your spirit will grow weak,
tired under the strain of your hurt
You will search for even an ounce of understanding
offering to forego love if only someone
would listen and hear
Before you realise that no one really cares
And the only characters who get what they deserve
are those who played the game well, pretended fantastically,
took the reins before the rest of us ever knew that there are pawns then there are knights then there are queens
Before we ever knew we were enrolled in an inescapable joke,
a cruel hunt where you are either prey
-deserving to perish for your lack of conniving-
Or predator
-deserving to thrive for your abundance of darkness.

Copyright ©️ 2020 Tebogo Ndlovu

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